small talk


I shifted the gears ferociously, like I know Charlie hates me doing. I am an English girl, now in America, shifting those gears, channelling my anxious energy into each increasing change. I imagine Hunter S.Thompson, as he raced through the highways and byways, sunglasses on, shirt collar up, swigging from a bottle of rum. His left arm hangs down the side of open top car, his brow furrowed, a cigarette between his teeth. He’s muttering to himself. I wish for an open road, but I’m forced down the tiny roads of Bristol and I’m on my screaming bike.

I’m upset and I can’t get home fast enough. Though what I’ll do when I get there I don’t know. Pace, hold the cat, stand in the shower, sit in the shower. Stupid shower, why isn’t it a bath. I’d have a bath if I had one. All that time, all that life, hope and complete dedication. Some people can’t see it, or don’t care enough to even try to see it. Crying doesn’t really help when things don’t go as you’d like. I’m left pink and my eyes are all clouded over. I don’t even feel like me. I’m looking at everyone else and they’re all so successful, the path to the next step for me is misty and vague.

My silly career choice has kicked me down once again. These last couple of times have been worse than ever. I thought right then and there, as my key went into the ludicrous faulty lock, that I’d been left utterly heartbroken, with no anchor to pull on.

But I don’t like to dwell in this column, I hate being in this chaotic and empty place. And when I eventually stopped blubbering, I realised of course that I wasn’t broken. And in reality that my actual heart lies in the other things. These that I almost forgot, are the best things.

Naturally, people are right up there. They surprise you in ways you never expect. Good and bad, but the good is sometimes so good it takes your breath away. After people, comes Lionheart Magazine, which I adore and every moment I spend on, I know is a positive one. It makes me happy. Whether it will work, I don’t know. The other thing is Oxjam Bristol. I never expected to like it quite as much as I do, but it’s been one of the most excellent things I have ever got involved in. It’s fun, exciting and we have a star like team. All for the love and knowing that we’re helping someone, somewhere, somehow.

Looking at my list, people – and a cat – make all the good things really. Feeling sorry for myself lasted as long as it took for me to talk to someone about it. I like to go for walks and I love nature for its soothing properties, but sometimes, you just need to talk. It’s magic.

Taken from my column in Bristol 24-7


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